Most women are not fortunate enough to be stay at home mums forever. Whether because of a true desire to re-enter the adult world or whether it is out of financial necessity most mothers will have to return to work after maternity leave.

This can bring with it a number of challenges, both practical and emotional, and can bring up a range of conflicting emotions.

It is not unusual for a woman to waste the last few weeks of maternity leave worrying about returning to work and the night before feeling like they are starting a new school.

Most of the emotions on returning to work will fall into two catagories: guilt and fear!

Guilt

This may be guilt about leaving your child with a carer or guilt about being happy about returning to work. You may also feel guilt if you are returning to work on lower hours than you worked previously (either guilt towards your co-workers or guilt about bringing a reduced income into the household)

Dealing with guilt is difficult. Especially when the guilt is irrational. In most cases like this you may just need to ride it out but here are some things to keep in mind to help you with the journey.

Leaving your child with someone other than yourself does not mean you are a bad mother. It means you are a good mother and you are doing something for your child which is selfless.

Your baby needs to be able to feel secure and confident on their own, not just when they are with you. They need to know that whatever happens and whenever you are apart you will always come back. Leaving them with a carer you trust and returning to them at the end of the day helps them to learn this. It is also their first step to independance, to learning about new environments and to beginning to interact and communicate with people other than you. This is your baby’s first step to becoming an individual so stop feeling guilty and start patting yourself on the back. Well done!

Do not feel guilty about working fewer hours or different hours at work. Do not let anyone make you feel guilty and in particular don’t allow yourself to create the guilt. Everyone in the world has different needs and that is also true of your workplace. Everyone will have a different work: home life balance and at the moment your balance is emphasised towards your home life. In the future this balance will probably tip back and it will be another colleague who is at work less so make the most of it whilst it lasts.

Do not feel guilty if you are bringing a reduced income into the household. The time you give to your baby is far more valuable than the extra money you would be bringing into the household and is probably partly offset by the childcare fees you would be paying if working more hours. If you want to be proactive in easing your guilt then use this opportunity to sort out your finances and begin to economise.

Fear

There are several things which women returning to work are afraid of. That they will not be as good at their job after such a long absence, that they will not be able to cope with working and motherhood, that they do not feel as attractive as they once did, that their baby will be miserable without them, that the person looking after their baby will not do it as well as they would or that something bad may happen to their baby because mum isn’t there to protect them. These fears can all be tackled.

First of all you will be just as good at your job when you return to work and will get back into the flow of things more quickly than you are expecting to. The most important thing to realise and accept, however, is that it will take a little time to get back into things so do not feel frustrated when it doesn’t happen in the first or second week. The second thing to acknowledge is that you may not feel the urge to work as much as you once did. If you have previously been a career woman then you may slip back into that role quite easily. You may, however, decide that you now have new priorities in which case don’t feel bad about not having the same drive or aspirations which you did previously.

You will possibly be afraid that your child will be unhappy without you or that you will miss them so much that you cannot concentrate. This probably will be the case for the first few days but that is usually all it will take for you both to get into and start to enjoy your new routine. Your time apart will give you a well needed break so that your child learns how to be happy when you are not there and you get a well needed break from being on 24 hour call (the great thing about returning to work is that you actually get a lunch break without a baby to look after!). Also dispel the fear that your baby will start to love their carer more than they love you. This will not happen. Wherever a baby spends his or her day they never replace mummy.

Finally, having looked after baby for 9 months in the womb and then the whole of maternity leave it is natural to panic about leaving them with someone else for the majority of their day. You will imagine every possible illness and accident that could happen and convince yourself that it is going to happen. You can take active steps towards dealing with this fear by ensuring that you fully research and are happy with the caring arrangements which you organise for your child.

If using a carer or service outside of your family check out reports on the provider and talk to other parents who use them. Fully explore all of your options before choosing your provider. You can also arrange short taster sessions before you return to work to make the transition easier for yourself and baby. Also talk to the provider about your fears and they will be able to reassure you.

If you need to phone the carer a couple of times a day in the first few days then do it. They will be used to this and it will help you to begin to let go and stop worrying throughout the day.

There are also several practical adjustments to make when strating back at work which will help you to balance and cope with a working motherhood. We will discuss these in a further article.