It is easy to be a mum to be. You might have to push a small human out of a dramatically smaller exit accompanied by agonising pain and blood at least you know what to expect. Having obsessed about the birth, read about the birth, had one to one attention from your midwife and heard stories and advice from every woman you know there is little left that is a mystery. All you need to do now is let your body and nature lead the way.

Dads have it tough. They know what is coming, sort of, know that they are going to be the one expected to be strong (rather than faint or whimper) and know that their partner is going to be in pain and they are virtually powerless to help. Even the toughest of men can end up feeling like a little boy on his first day of school, not quite sure of what is expected of him and being screamed at by some big scary woman.

So men. This one is for you. This is your crash course in the labour and delivery. Get a drink and settle down because this article is one you need to read.

What Will Happen?

You will probably be spending the last six or seven weeks of your partner’s pregnancy on edge. Waiting for “that call” and worrying that you won’t get to her on time. STOP! There is no way for you to predict when or where you will be when your partner goes into labour but in the vast majority of pregnancies there will be a painfully long pre-labour which gives you adequate time to get to the hospital.

If you are concerned about baby popping out before you get to the hospital or before the midwife arrives at your home then read our question “How do I deliver a baby in an emergency?”

There are 3 stages to the labour. If you are going to be present at the birth then you will witness all 3.

Stage 1: Labour

This is by far the longest part of the process of giving birth. So much so that it is split into three phases.

Phase 1 is called latent, early or pre-labour. During this stage the cervix will thin (efacement) and dilate to 3cm. This can happen slowly and painlessly over the last few days or weeks of pregnancy or can happen very swiftly and with all of the pain and contractions associated with true “labour”. Your partner may also have cramping, backache, a bloody show and diarrhoea.

In the case of the former you may not even realise but if it is the latter then call the hospital or midwife to describe how your partner is feeling. They will then ask to speak to your partner as, from the tone of her voice and ability to hold a conversation, they will be able to assess what stage of labour she is likely to be in and will advise you on whether to go to hospital or wait at home for a bit longer. If you are having a home delivery your midwife may come over at this point.

You can help by:

·         Staying calm

·         Talking to your partner as she breathes through the pain

·         Holding her hand or rubbing her back if that is what she wants (some women like this and some just don’t want to be touched).

·         Not telling her to stop complaining as it will get worse. This can be just as painful as later stages of labour.

·         Not asking her questions unless you have to. It can be incredibly frustrating to have someone ask you a question when you cannot even breathe normally never mind think straight or answer.

·         Getting a jug of cold water as the whole of labour can be a thirsty business (for both of you).

·         If your partner is not suffering from too much pain then encourage her to rest or keep busy to pass the time.

·         Now might also be a good last chance to get a light snack.

·         Once contractions start you should time them (both the length of the contractions and the time between).

·         Once contractions are happening every 5 minutes and lasting between 30 and 45 seconds you have probably entered phase 2.

Phase 2 is active or established labour. There is no guarantee as to how quick or slow this phase will be but the average is 2 – 3 hours. At this stage the cervix will be dilated between 3 and 7 cm. At this stage your partner’s contractions are becoming more intense but also more effective. This stage can be incredibly painful and your partner may lose focus due to whatever pain relief she opts for (unless she has an epidural).

You can help by:

·         Encouraging her through her contractions

·         Counting for her during her breathing exercises

·         Encouraging her to keep active between contractions

·         Being encouraging and reassuring

·         Being patient even if she seems to be ignoring you or irritable

·         Listening carefully to her to help her to communicate with the midwife.

 Also be prepared to make decisions both about pain medication and procedures as your partner may reach a point during this and the third phase where all she can think is “stop the pain and get this baby out” and may not be able to think clearly enough to make decisions. Make sure that you have a birth plan or have already talked through what to do in different situations. If you have to make a decision which you have not discussed previously then trust your midwife and your own mind.

Phase 3 is the shortest phase but is also the phase which will be the most painful. Contractions are now very close together and very painful as your partner’s body prepares for the pushing stage. For your partner it will feel like the contractions are happening without a break and she will struggle to catch her breath however you will notice that they are lasting around 60 – 90 seconds and are 2 – 3 minutes apart. The cervix will dilate from 7cm to 10cm by the end of this phase. Your partner will be exhausted, frustrated and feeling like she can’t take any more at this stage so your main role will be just to be there.

You can help by;

·         Being reassuring

·         Massaging her back or leaving her completely alone (depending on what she wants)

·         Being encouraging

·         Telling her that she has done well and baby is almost ready to come (highlight how much she has done not how much is still left to do)

·         Talking her through her breathing during contractions and offering her sips of water or ice chips

·         If your partner says that she feels like she needs to push then tell the midwife or doctor as she may have come to the end of Stage 1 and be fully dilated.

Stage 2: Delivery

Stage 2 consists of pushing and delivery. Your partner’s cervix has fully dilated (10cm) and baby is ready to come. In theory there is only a very short distance for baby to travel but in practice there is a whole lot of work for your partner to do as pushing that baby out is entirely down to her. This phase can last ten minutes or three hours. The average length of time is around half an hour to an hour.

Your partner will still be getting contractions at this point but may be feeling more positive about them as she can now do something about it. They will also have longer periods between them giving her a chance to catch her breath. She will have a very strong urge to push which her body will naturally make her do. At this point it is far easier to push than to stop pushing. If your partner has been using gas and air she may be told to stop using it at this point as she needs to be focussed and put all of her energy into each push. Unless it is a very quick delivery she will probably get tired and think that she can’t go on at some point.

At the point of delivery she will feel an intense burning feeling as baby’s head comes out. She may tear at the entrance to her vagina or the midwife may make a cut called an episiotomy. When baby’s head is out there will be a break before the next push. At this point the midwife will check that the umbilical cord is not around baby’s neck and will ease it off if it is. She will also ask you if you want to look at your child’s head. When baby is fully out you may be asked if you want to cut the cord. About 1 minute after birth the midwife will do an APGAR test (read our article “What is an APGAR score?”) to check that baby is healthy and does not need help breathing.

You can help at this stage by:

·         Being encouraging and giving praise

·         Offering a hand, a shoulder, a neck or whatever your partner needs to hold onto when pushing

·         Not complaining that she is holding your hand, shoulder or neck too tight!

·         Helping her to relax in breaks between pushing

·         Getting water as she needs it

·         Reminding her that it is almost over

·         Telling her when you see the head

·         Understanding that she may not be as emotionally overwhelmed at the sight of your newborn as you are. Do not be offended if her first words are “thank God that is over”!

Stage 3: The Placenta

Thought it was over? Not quite yet (although this final stage will be hardly noticeable compared to the pain and energy your partner has just used).

When baby comes out and the umbilical cord has been cut you will notice that half of the cord has not yet been delivered. This is because it is still attached to the placenta. The third (and final) stage of child birth is to deliver the placenta. This will involve more pushing from your partner but she is unlikely to need the same amount of support from you. This final stage lasts around 5 to 30 minutes and can be done naturally (i.e. waiting for the body to naturally push the placenta out) or can be speeded up with an injection or IV of oxytocin. Your midwife will usually give your partner the choice.

During this time there will be very mild contractions which your partner may not even register. She will need to do a few pushes when instructed by the midwife and will deliver the placenta. Following the delivery the midwife will usually weigh the placenta and repair any tears.

You can help by:

·         Holding the baby

·         Offering sips of water

·         Being encouraging

·         Giving lots of praise for the labour and delivery of the baby

·         Being patient

Congratulations! It is all over! Your partner will probably now be relieved and tired but will finally be clear headed and exhilarated. Do not be surprised if she now becomes very talkative. If you are in hospital your midwife will probably leave you alone for a while as she gets tea and toast. If you are at home then this is your chance to get some time to yourself as you offer to make tea and toast for everyone who was present at the birth.